Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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