this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
