i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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