Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
