there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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