My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The power of my boobs compel you
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
