someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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