thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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