you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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