And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
