I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
