I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize