Someone shit on the floor
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize