And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I could fuck to npr.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
