Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
