I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
