forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
