Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
