Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
A+ Viking dick
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
