I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
