I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
