Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
