If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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