woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
