Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
