and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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