ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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