I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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