Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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