I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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