So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I wish there were birth control emojis
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
