Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
