No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
