My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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