You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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