the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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