Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
