Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
