Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
