a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
