I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
