Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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