my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
