so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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