What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
