They should really pass out barf bags in church
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
