i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
