Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
