Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
