Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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