is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize