he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize