It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
