Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
