I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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