It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize