I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
